As I am stuck in Miami for one more day, I believe this town needs a fitting tribute. So, in honor of white linen jumpsuits, leaving with a minute left in Game 6, and the highest rate of drunken drivers per capita...
"Bad Boys" starring Will Smith, Martin Lawrence and Tea Leoni (set in Miami) is the dumbest movie ever made.
Synopsis: Smith and Lawrence are best friend police detectives living in Miami. They are so awesome, but especially Smith. He drives a porsche. Smith is so cool that he has a hooker friend named Max, but he doesn't let her unsavory job affect his feelings for her (because he's awesome...please remember that Smith is awesome. It's important).
Anyway, a group of crooks led by the French dude who was the guy in The Patriot with Mel Gibson steals a bunch of heroin from the police impound locker at Smith and Lawrence's precinct. It's like A LOT of drugs. So, Smith and Lawrence have to find out who stole it and get it back.
Side note: their captain (Joe Pantoliano) yells at them a lot because that's what police captains do? In the midst of yelling, he's interrupted by the chick who is on CSI. Her first name is Marg. I'm not googling her last name. She's a horrible, horrible actress. Apparently, we are supposed to pick up on this sexual tension that exists between her and Joe Pantoliano, but she's such a stiff actress, there is no chemistry at all. This plot point will come up later in "Bad Boys" but there is no chemistry then either. It's really quite amazing that her part wasn't cut. It literally brings nothing to the table. By the way, her character is from Internal Affairs. They think the theft was an inside job, so she announces to ALL THE COPS. Covert move, Marg.
Smith's hooker friend Max...did I mention she's a high priced hooker?...gets a job to "service" some of the dudes that committed the robbery. Because she's street smart, she has an intuition that these are the guys that Will Smith is looking for. So, she somehow needs a wingman (hookers are smart that way) and enlists her non-hooker friend Tea Leoni to come with her to the party. Leoni immediately goes to the bathroom upon arrival while Max gets gunned down by the French dude. Leoni gets away but they now have to kill her. We should start rooting for this to happen.
Smith and Lawrence arrive at the house and realize Max is dead. Smith is sad. Martin Lawrence is sympathetic. Smith goes to have some alone time while Martin goes back to the police station to get yelled at by Pantoliano. At the station, Lawrence receives a phone call from Leoni saying she saw the murder. Here's where the ish gets realz: Lawrence has to PRETEND he's Smith because Leoni was told by Max to only trust Will Smith. Lawrence cannot just say, "hey, I'm his partner. I'll come get you. We will both protect you." Nope. Too obvious, I guess? So Lawrence is now Super Cool Awesome Narc Detective Mike Lowry (Smith). Lost yet?
Lawrence then goes to Leoni's house to get her. She doesn't think he's really Smith. Somehow, he convinces her he is. Bad guys come to kill her. They get away. Leoni makes her first of many attempts to escape police custody (EVEN THOUGH SHE CALLED THEM AND HAS SEEN FIRST HAND THAT BAD GUYS ARE COMING TO KILL HER). In addition to the fact her character is dumb, she now reaches new heights of annoying by continuously making it seem like she's doing the police a favor by staying in their custody. Because the police prioritize solving hooker murders.
Because Lawrence is now Smith, Smith has to become Lawrence. So, he goes to live with Lawrence's wife and kids because apparently his wife cannot be told that Lawrence is protecting a witness by pretending he's Smith. Read that sentence again. I edited it three times and it still makes no sense.
Then there's a scene where Smith and Lawrence (with Leoni handcuffed in their car) go to a club where they think the French dude is. Leoni then escapes the car, goes in the club, is spotted by the French dude gang, but is saved from death (complaining the whole time) by Smith. They go on a high speed chase. ONLY GET THIS! They are trying to escape the gang. You see, they are being pursued now!!! Leoni loses her mind when she realizes that Lawrence cares more about recovering the heroin then finding the killer of her hooker friend (duh). Yet, we now know that they are one and the same person. That is apparently too nuianced for Leoni. Leoni: "that's it, I'm outta here!" Lawrence (who is still pretending to be Smith): "fine, whateverz." Smith (domestic family man Lawrence): "hey, don't go. I'm going to find Max's killer." Lawrence's wife: "I'm angry because I think my husband is sleeping with Tea Leoni even though there isn't one reason for me to think that."
The French dude finally catches up to Leoni. He kidnaps her because that's more fun than just putting a damn bullet in her dome. Smith and Lawrence (who now don't have to pretend to be each other for some reason) go in hot pursuit to save her AND get the drugs. Lawrence is particularly protective of Leoni even though she has been nothing but a giant pain in the ass and has constantly tried to escape his protection.
THE END. Miami sucks. Go Spurs Go.